Midnight journals from my midnight shift~

Sorry for the long delay in getting another post put up. I’d been busy with work and my holiday vacation to Las Vegas last week and over the weekend but I’m home, showered, and ready to go to work again this morning in just a few minutes. I just wanted to post a quick update on what’s been happening because I tried to abandon my awkward work-sleep schedule for the weekend so I could spend as much time hanging out with my friends as possible and tried to pick it up again last night.

The first thing to mention is that I’ve started dreaming in black and white now and they’re not my typical dreams anymore (as typical as a dream could possibly be anyway~) Instead, I feel like my dreams have decayed into what is essentially a documentary, from my observational point of view, of people around me and with whom I interact. It’s the most bizarre feeling to wake up every fifteen minutes, not joking, and honestly believe that I’m someone else. It’s the most sickening feeling and I’m terrified that this will continue to happen…

This terrifies me because each time I woke up last night, it would take me easily an hour to get back to sleep and I couldn’t stop thinking about suicide the entire time… A few times, if I remember, I picked up my phone and started looking through my contacts to see who I could call for help after midnight (and only found two people, making these feelings worse than I could almost handle…) I don’t want to die…….. I’ve tried to remember the name of my therapist from years ago but can’t seem to retrieve it from memory so I may need to find a new one. I hope my parents remember.

Maybe it’s just the climate change back to Utah but I think my body is having a tough time regulating its temperature through the night. When I would wake up as a different person, I’d always feel like I was baking hot but would be covered in sweat and my comforter and blankets would be on the floor. I’d pull them back onto my bed and try again but would feel cold in my next dream before waking up feeling hot again and sweaty…

What is happening to me!?

I’m beginning to wonder if I should readjust my sleep schedule yet again. I’ve had a piercing ringing in my ears for the last three hours and feel like I’m falling whenever I close my eyes for more than a second. I don’t mean falling asleep, more like falling from a bridge or airplane or cliff. :/ I’m becoming very concerned with this sleep deprivation mixed with stress position I’ve allowed myself to be lifted into…

Tomorrow night, I’m instead going to try sleeping four hours before my shift and following it with another four hours. While I was in junior high and high school, I trained myself to follow a polyphasic sleeping pattern and did very well with it (once my mind grew accustomed to immediately drop into REM sleep anyway) and I’m hoping that same method could help me cope with these strange and difficult work hours. It would mean I have to go to bed at 7:00 PM every night and sleep until 12:00 PM every morning but I’m optimistic about it. :) I guess I’ll find out tomorrow when I try it.

Earlier today, through OKCupid, I met a young man named Mack and we’ve been texting throughout the day. :) I know it’s very (very very very) soon after Trevor and I ended things but I can’t help myself. He lives in Park City, a high-class mountain city about an hour away, and I’ve recognized subconsciously that part of my attraction to him is because of where he lives. I’m startled by my draw to potential money but also see that it’s not the only reason why we’ve been talking so much today.

He recently moved to Park City from Houston, TX and is working at a clothing store (Calvin Klein you say? Mmm, yes please!) to pay for school. He’s very charming and we have similar tastes in art, music, physical activities, and I also think he’s pretty cute. :) I haven’t met him yet BUT I plan on going out with him sometime next week. He’s never been to a bar or club in a real city before so I’m going to show him around and hopefully get to know him better. :) If anything, an hour to drive from his home to Salt Lake City will let us get acquainted and give me time to analyze him in person. Y’know what they say about Texas~ Everything’s bigger, but that’s yet to be confirmed. ;)

One of my agents has been very rude to me today about something that happened months ago. If I ignored all the exclamation marks and frowny faces, I could still tell she was upset because of the way she wrote her emails to me. Her sense of entitlement is astonishing and lack of consideration or understanding for her teammates and direct report (me) demonstrated incredible immaturity. She’ll be my trouble-maker, that’s for sure. :/

12.28.2011>

It’s been awhile since I’ve been at work and at the same time hasn’t been long enough. I ended Friday’s shift on such a furious note that I was getting frustrated just thinking about coming in again today. So far though I haven’t had any issues (other than sitting around because I still don’t have access to a lot of the programs I need to do my job in its entirety…) and I expect the rest of my day will be just as smooth/uneventful/dull. :) :/ :(

Trevor and I cleanly tied things off on Christmas Eve. :( Not the way I would’ve liked to spend my holiday weekend but I’d felt it coming on for a few days and am glad we talked about our feelings and circumstances openly and honestly and came to a conclusion about what to do. I’m not sure what to do at this point with my dating life. I’ve never met a better match than Trevor and I was so optimistic for what we could have had together! I know I’m burnt out of dating for at least awhile and I’ll eventually pick it up again, but we’ll have to see what ‘kind’ I go after this time. Haven’t dated a really muscular boy before~ ;) Everyone likes variety, no?

I had an excellent weekend with my family. The best Christmas I’ve ever had too! My favorite gift, by far, was the Steve Jobs biography. Pulled it out of my stocking and OH MY GOD almost passed out from overexcitement. :P I’ve looked up to Steve Jobs and have aspired to be as professional and passionate and influential since my earlier years, particularly those in high school, when I didn’t have any place to fit in and wandered between social circles trying to find myself. He was a mountain of intellectual mightiness and I dream to be even half as great as Steve someday. :)

On the topic of Christmas gifts, good or bad, I am sickened by the complaining I see all over Twitter, Facebook, etc. about unwanted or wanted-but-not-received gifts. I’m shocked and appalled that someone could be so ungrateful or so rude in response to receiving a gift. The immaturity and selfishness astounds me.

What’s happened to our happiest holiday of the year?!?

Spend time with your family! Eat little sausages with cheese and wine with fruit and eggnog with cookies. Laugh with your family and enjoy the company of relatives (if any) who have put time and money to travel to see you. Sing songs around the piano and tell stories and bundle up cozywarm to go sledding. Open presents with your family and gives hugs and let the joy of the holidays saturate your senses.

—OR—

Complain about gifts from people who put thought into them because you’re a selfish, inconsiderate asshole with no courtesy or regard for the feelings of those who love you. Bah humbug.

That’s about it for my midnight shift journal for tonight. :) Maybe I’ll put some thought into what my 2012 New Years Resolutions are going to be~

12.27.2011>

So I think Trevor and I are done… In the few days I hadn’t heard from him after he said he had moved home I began to doubt what we had together. Once I heard from him again and discovered that my texts weren’t getting through, my hope for a successful, fulfilling, and satisfying long-term relationship was restored. I went out and bought him an AppleTV and a bottle of his favorite Zinfandel to surprise and welcome him home. We both LOVE movies and good wine so I figured it would be perfect but he said he didn’t want them. :( I’m crushed and confused and a little concerned but until we’ve talked about it, I’m not going to give up. :(

On a lighter note, I’ve gotten to spend most of my day with my family today. :) They’re a little overbearing sometimes but I couldn’t imagine a better group of people to be related to. :)

I had the first normal night last night that I’ve had in almost a week and I’m excited for two more of them tonight and tomorrow night before I have to go back to work on Tuesday. I work for a few more days and then I have a New Years vacation to Las Vegas planned with some friends from Salt Lake City until the 2nd of January. :) I’ve needed a vacation for quite awhile and this’ll be perfect. :)

We had some family friends come by the house today and I got to catch up with them which was fun. :) Sometimes it’s a little awkward when they ask me about school and/or dating and I have to give out a more appealing answer to avoid the saturated mindset of Utah from exploding in my face but I digress. :/

11.24.2011>

Another early morning shift I can barely stay awake through. I came in to work and immediately had nothing to do other than pretend to respond to emails from my manager(s) about things I have no control over. :/ Don’t you just love those? Today is the last midnight shift though for the weekend and then it’s Christmas weekend! :D I’ve got a birthday party at Club JAM to go to tonight and will be able to sleep in as late as I want tomorrow. :) Tyler is supposed to be calling home from his mission sometime later today around 7:30 PM so I hope I can get over to my parents’ in time to be able to talk to him too. :) I went out and tried to get more of my Christmas shopping done during the day today but couldn’t find any generic Christmas cards for my agents; only specialized or creepy ones that would be uncomfortable to receive by a new boss. :/ Walmart didn’t have any more hair glue OR my favorite body spray again. Is it so hard to keep simple items like that shocked? Really Walmart? I spotted a little toy Volkswagen New Beetle while wandering the aisles though and bought it for myself as an early small Christmas gift. :) I love Beetles, sue me. :P My other gift to myself is my trip to Las Vegas for New Years with Chase, Jarron, and John so hopefully that’ll be fun enough to last me awhile. :) Frustration is starting to set in with my agents at work now too. I feel I’m usually a pretty patient man but I also know that I have no tolerance for incompetence. I simply don’t understand why or how agents can be this stupid so much of the time. How long have you been working here? And why are you still making this mistake? Why? WHY!?! Another thing I’ve noticed has changed since I began working the midnight shift is that I no longer feel hungry. I can feel empty and get stomach aches (and those annoying starvation headaches) but I haven’t felt the familiar ‘I need nutrition!’ impulses I get roughly three times a day. If I can’t restructure a sleep schedule AND an eating schedule soon, I’m afraid I’m going to wither up and blow away like an old leaf in the wind. :/ Don’t fail on me body, you know I love you. <3

12.23.2011>

More of my passwords came through to me today so I’m finally able to start doing my job. :P I’ve only got one more day, not including the rest of today, to deal with this horrible sleep schedule and then I can sleep in all weekend. I still have to buy a present for my little sister Mikayla for Christmas and pick up fifteen Christmas cards for my agents but those can wait until later today or even tomorrow. I’ve got a birthday party to go to tomorrow night at Club JAM which should be fun. :)

I think my relationship with Trevor is continuing to deteriorate. :( I’ve tried texting him throughout the week but haven’t gotten any responses other than a short notification that he had moved ‘back home’ now that he’s done with this semester of school. I don’t know when I’ll get to see him again but I’m not confident that we’ll be able to continue dating… It’s tough when you feel like you’re the only on in your relationship with the desire to keep it going. :( Hurts…

My roommate James is continuing to grow away from me too. Sounds selfish when you realize that the only reason is because he has a new boyfriend but still… I moved out of my old living situation, which was $100 cheaper and ten minutes closer to work, because he was lonely at home after work and wanted some company (and so did I!) but now it’s just me again. I think they’re all wanting to move down to Payson this next summer when our lease is up but I don’t know if I want to move that far. Maybe I can find another group of friends to move in with or even some roommates online who are close by. Ricky and James still have an open room in their apartment and aren’t moving anywhere soon as far as I know so that’s possibly an option. :)

I was able to enable USB-charging on my desk computer again at work! Hooray for sustainable iPhone usage throughout the day! :D

In other news, the ‘winter itch’ on the back my hands is still there. :/ The red patches haven’t gotten any bigger or spread and they’re thankfully not too itchy or bleeding but they’re still pretty unsightly. I’ve been applying moisturizing lotion after washing my hands and after showering but it’s not working that well. One of the ladies I work with in the mornings is very sensitive to odors so we have to be careful around her.

Call centers really are the catch-all for people who don’t fit in anywhere else. :/ It’s apparent when you first walk in the door and see people too large to fit in their chairs but it only gets worse when you learn about the kinds of medical accommodations some of the employees have. It’s sad when a call center has become the only career option for someone. Thank God I’m not one of those unlucky few. :)

I can’t think of anything else to write so I’ll talk to you tomorrow. :)

12.22.2011>

Oh mercy it’s so early! I’ve had this new graveyard shift for three days and I’m already noticing the side-effects of a restructured sleep schedule… I think I’m getting used to staying up until midnight, or technically 11:30 PM, but staying awake for the eight hours afterward is the hard part. :/ I’m having a very hard time telling my days apart and have lost the ability to determine the time of day by looking at shadows or the position of the Sun in the sky. Midday naps are totally throwing off my perception of date and time because I’m essentially punctuating a continuous period of being awake with long naps rather than starting and stopping each calendar day with normal sleep.

I’m not so much concerned with my sleep schedule as I am about how this will affect my personality and mental stability. I’m already taking steps toward finding another therapist to help me manage my emotional stress and sleep deprivation can only make that situation worse. I’m definitely more irritable and now have absolutely no patience for incompetence and it’s obvious enough for my roommate to notice. He’s always away from home spending time with his boyfriend so if he noticed my changing temperament, I know something’s going on… I’ve gotten pretty frustrated with him these last few days about a couple of things so I’m hoping I can reverse the sourness and keep our friendship healthy. :(

I really want this new position to work out because it’ll give me the much needed ‘Management Experience’ options on any job applications and résumés I fill out and return. I have a lot of support from my friends and family and have a wealth of information at my fingertips so there’s no reason why I can’t succeed. :)

I’ve been thinking a lot about this boy met a few weeks ago. I’ve been on a few dates with him and we’ve probably spent 40+ hours together already! I’ve noticed, however, that I’m the only one initiating interaction of any kind and it’s getting to me. :( I don’t want to be the only one in a relationship putting forth time and money to make it work because that’s how the relationship between Ryan and I deteriorated. I’m the only one driving to meet up and the only one asking him if he’s available to hang out. He hasn’t come down to meet any of my friends or spend time with me in Orem and doesn’t invite me anywhere unless I first start a conversation and express interest in joining him. :/ Untreated, I can see these things dissolving our relationship into nothing. I don’t want that to happen… :(

12.21.2011>